Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

I should probably add that I got this one in an e-mail from the internet. :beer:

These two guys were so lazy, but needed some money. They thought and thought. Finally, they noticed that the county fair was coming soon and that they were giving a $1,000. purse for the top weight pig.

So, they set out to get a pig, feed it and have it get fat and win the prize, but for the life of them, the pig was not getting fat.

They came up with the idea of putting a stopper in the pig's butt, and sure enough, the pig started getting bigger. This went on and on until the time for the pig to go to the fair. They entered and consequently, they won the top purse prize of $1.000.
Now, here's the problem that arose. How was they going to save the pig from exploding due to the plug?

The idea came to them to get a monkey and train him to pull stoppers out of jugs. They put goodies in the jugs and the monkey learned that when he pulled a plug, he was able to get a goodie. Now, they felt that the monkey was ready and set a crate in the right place behind the pig and then set the monkey on the crate and then they immediately ran for cover.

Well, about a couple of years down the road, they happened to meet up in a bar and was talking about old times. The subject of the pig and the monkey came up and the one asked if the other had seen what had happened?

Well, after I got settled, I was able to watch as the monkey was on the crate. The monkey got to looking around and saw the plug. He reached up, grabbed the plug, gave it a twist...........

The last thing that I saw was that the monkey had one hand over his eyes and as much of his face as possible, the other hand trying to reinsert the stopper, just getting sprayed all over and over.

Thanks for the laughs to start my day Oldsalt :beer:

HYPNOTIST

Senior Night

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came grom miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting hall, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three peopld up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, siddenly, ------it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.

Thanks for the post and the great comment. A 10 for you. :beer:

Two great new jokes. Thank you.

There was this young beautiful woman who would go into this grocery store and buy an unripe banana and take it home with her every day. The young male clerk was suspicious after a while and decided to follow her home and peek in on her through the window to see what was going on with her.

Well, what he saw was mind boggling to him. She pulled the throw rug from in front of her bed out of the way exposing a small hole of which she immediately put the green banana into and made sure it was in tight. She then proceeded to strip off her clothes and got down on the floor and made sure that the banana was in line to go into her “love hole”. She began to work on it and this excited the young man.

Well, the next day, she came into the store, bought another unripe banana and left. The young man said he was taking a break and then he took a different way to her house, very quickly and beat her home, crawled in under the house and when she inserted the banana, he pulled it through the hole. He then inserted his member into the hole.

She did not notice and she got down on the floor and drove it into her loving hole and began to work it like she was on a mission. He began to feel real good. Really good….Exceedingly good….And about the time that he was about to come, to shoot off, the door bell rang, she jumped up and kicked the it under the bed, pulled the rug over the hole and went to answer the door.

:heart: Very funny i love good jokes...10 for u

Thank you, See_Me. I appreciate those good comments like that.

Here's another one:

The Railroad was winding its way out west to meet the Railroad that was connecting from the West. It's progress came to a halt one day when there was a TeePee right in the direct front of where the Railroad was going. The builders told the old Native American that he was going to have to move his TeePee.

"Bowel's won't move" came the answer.
The Railroad man's reply was that he needed to go to the Dr. and tell the Dr. about this.
"Bowel's won't move".

Well, here's some laxative, take these and come back tomorrow.
"Bowel's won't move" when he went back to the Dr. was what the old Native American told the Dr.

Well, here's some stronger laxative. Take these and come back tomorrow.

Upon returning the next day, "Bowel's won't move".
Dr. gave him his strongest laxatives and told him to come back tomorrow.

Well, upon getting back to the Dr. the next day, the old Native American announced very saddly, "Bowel's have to move, TeePee full of it".

A farm boy accidentally overturned a
wagon of corn on the road. A nearby
farmer saw the accident and went
over to have a look and found the
boy trying to right the tipped wagon.
"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget
your troubles for a spell....it's late,
come have dinner with us. I'll help
you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa
won't like that," Willie replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break,"
the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed.
"But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked
the farmer. "I feel a lot better now,
but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said "Where
is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon!"

~~~~~~~~~~Pain Killers~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The Dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"


You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -



"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

The Pre-Nup Test

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:




Always keep your condoms in your car.

UNDER THE PILLOW

Grandma and Grandpa were visitng their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he
asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave
in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."