Great jokes, gave me a good laugh and we all need tht from time to time. Thanks for posting

My pleasure. Thanks for the post and for the cudos as well. Always a joy to make someone laugh.

Two good ole boys from down South were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...After a while the first guy says to the second,

"If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,

"Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

STORIES FROM AN OLD GEEZER


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.


He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.


"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' "

One More

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."




Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

What does an elephant and a Volks Wagon have in common?

They both have their trunks in the front.


How can you tell if an Elephant is on the move?

His trunk is packed.


How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in your house?

The strong smell of peanut butter in the air.


Did you hear the one about the man who went to the Dr. and got new hearing aids?

He did not tell his family and in the first week, he changed his will 3 times.



Say this several times as fast as you can:

You can use the young ewes until they are used ewes.

How many chunks can a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

The new news is that there are new ewes with old shoes, old ewes with new shoes, the old news is that there are new ewes with new shoes and old ewes with old shoes.

Subject: 3 blondes


Three blondes were applying for one available position with the Texas Highway Patrol - Investigative Division.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be investigation cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and
said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and
said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

Hmmm...

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

Subject: "SURVIVOR SOUTHERN STYLE".
Because of the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled:

"SURVIVOR SOUTHERN STYLE".

The contestants will start in Alabama , travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina . From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee . They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana , finally ending up back in Alabama .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:

I'm gay --- I'm a Vegetarian -- NASCAR Sucks --Go Yankees; Hillary in 2008,--and -- Deer Hunting is Murder!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy..

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but couldn't
find any.

13. I walked into a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good)....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

thank you, they were brilliant. i laughed. in return , i would like to share this bar joke with you - i think you'll like it.

three pieces of string arrange for a night out together. first one turns up at the bar and orders a pint, but the barman says "hang on, aren't you a piece of string?"
"why yes", replied the string.
"sorry, you'll have to leave - we don't serve string here."
so he waits outside. it isnt too long before one of his pals turns up, and asks him why he's waiting outside. the first piece of string tells him how he was chucked out by the barman, so he tries his luck. he goes in, orders a drink, but the barman says "you look string to me."
"yes, i am. what of it?"
"Get out - we don't serve your kind here!"
so the piece of string waits outside with his friend. before too long, the third piece of string turns up.
"what are you two doing out here when you could be drinking?" he asked.
"they won't serve us, coz we're string."
"We'll soon see about that" he says, and ruffles his hair up into an afro, then twists and contorts his body. all twisted up, he saunters into the bar and orders a rum and coke.
"Oy, aren't you another piece of string?" the barman asks.
"No" replied the string, "I'm afraid not."

A frayed knot.
get it?

That was neat. Thanks.
And thanks to all the people who have read my jokes.

There was this older man who was in love/lust with and married this younger woman. They had worked out a mutual agreement to make love to the local area's church bells. Worked out great, until one night, this fire-engine went by just a clanging the bell on the fire-engine.....Clang, clang, clang in rapid succession. The old man died of a heart attack.


There was this teen age kid who (He was 18.) had worked it out with his girl friend that she would expose the hold in the floor of her bed room so that he could lay on a board that was affixed to a jack under the board, all of which was under her bedroom floor. He would lay on the board and have one of his friends jack him up, with dick going through the hole in the floor of her bedroom, thusly, she would get down on it, give him a blowjob, or the other, of course, she would get down on it and just f*** like she knew how.....

So, this one night, this was going on and all of a sudden, her mother came into the room unanounced, and saw what was happening. With the broom that she had in her hand, mother began to beat the thing as if it were a snake.

The young man suddenly started yelling to his friend to "jack-off, jack-off."

His friend said, "Jack-off, hell, you are the one doing the fucking".....

>Subject: Man with no arms
>
>
> A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed
>because
> he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
>
> One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.
>He got
> on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
> He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
>sidewalk
> below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked
>closer
> and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
>
> He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for
>myself, I
> still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
>arms
> skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He
>hurried down
> and caught the man with no arms.
>
> He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of
>his arms
> and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
>again
> for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if
>that
> guy could do it with no arms.
>
> The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
>heels
> again.
>
> He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
>
> He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches