The Redneck and the Gorilla

A small zoo in Oklahoma had a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper
thought of Bobby, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he
announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby said, "I want all the chil'drun raised as Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Bobby
stated, "You gotta give me another week to
come up with the $500.00."

Short and Funny
>
> I dialed a number and got the following recording:
>
> "I am not available right now, but
> Thank you for caring enough to call.
> I am making some changes in my life.
> Please leave a message after the
> Beep. If I do not return your call,
> You are one of the changes."
>
> ~~~~~
>
> Aspire to inspire before you expire.
>
> ~~~~~
>
> My wife and I had words,
> But I didn't get to use mine.
>
> ~~~~~
>
>Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
>
> ~~~~~
>
> Blessed are those who can give without remembering
> And take without forgetting.
>
> ~~~~~
>
> The irony of life is that, by the time
> You're old enough to know your way
> Around, you're not going anywhere.
>
> ~~~~~
>
> God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for
>her first question.
>
> ~~~~~
>
> I was always taught to respect my elders,
> But it keeps getting harder to find one.
>
> ~~~~~
>
> Every morning is the dawn
> of a new error.
>
> ~~~~~
>
> The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

> "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
>severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with
>The threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good
>time to
>take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home.

While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive.
She then asked, "Frank, what are you doing"?

He replied, " I driving to Toronto".

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.
The next night has she walked past Franks room she saw the same thing.
Again she asked, "Frank, what are you doing"?

He replied, " I driving to Toronto, it's a two day trip you know!"

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds. Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.
She saw Bill pretending to dance with someone.
She then asked, "Bill, what are you doing"?

Bill replied," I'm dancing with Franks wife; he's gone to Toronto for a couple of days."

PET RULES: To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --
canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me first, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's
butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets A LOT better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Great jokes

10 from me

Love

Thank you very much for the wonderful comments. It is a pleasure to put these jokes and other little things on here for others to read and enjoy.

Great jokes. :lol: Lots I've never heard

Thank you very much, Scots_Bill. I appreciate your comments greatly.




How do you know when an elephent has been in your house?

There is his footprints in the Peanut Butter.

What is the height of egotism?

An ant walking up an elephant's hind leg with sex on his mind.

:rolleyes: Its always fun looking in on your Posts :lol:
A friend See-me

Me thanks you muchly. A business doing pleasure with ye. Or something like that.

Thanks for the greatly favorable comments and cudos.

Some truly great stuff Oldsalt. TY so much. You have helped make many laugh. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thank you, funcumer. I appreciate all who are willing to post their favorable comments to my postings. I enjoy helping to make people's days a little more fun. We can all take a little time out for the fun things in life. We only have one trip through this life on this Earthship and we should make it as good a trip as possible.

Now, for some serious stuff.......



Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

For all who are married, were married, wish they were married, or wish
they weren't married, this is something to think about the next time
you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and
asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks,
the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she
noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?"
asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's
a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then speaking;
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade."

Bubba and Ray (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work
supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans.

BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple
of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."