An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad
habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His
friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose
his aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in
his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog
jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked
the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and
began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My
friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him
fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have
had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he
wasn't going to screw me."

*********************

Business Daffynitions


1. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. You will all be measured on this at some point in your career.

2. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. This one will be particularly valuable to those of you who have projects going right now.

3. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops all over everything then leaves. Another word for consultant.

4. Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to die in the end. We've had these before (and will again).

5. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

6. Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

7. Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

8. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. Example: "Don't bother asking him... He's 404, man."

9. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time it takes to realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

10. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it working again.

************************

only just looked at this thread.

Love the business definitions and the 2 new chemical elements. I just laughed so loudly I hope I haven't woken up the people in the neighbouring apartments :lol:

There once was a woman from Wheeling,
Who lacked sexual feeling.
But when a young man named Boris
Simply touched her clitoris,
She had to be scraped from the ceiling.

***************

MESSAGE FROM THE MANAGEMENT

Dear Staff

Welcome back to the office on this 1st month of the year.

Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented
to raise the efficiency of our company.

ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

MESSAGE FROM THE MANAGEMENT

Dear Staff

Welcome back to the office on this 1st month of the year.

Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented
to raise the efficiency of our company.

ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 10 on its way :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :wub:

MEYER, A LONELY WIDOWER, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:

"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful
his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah.

One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing.

"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at Daven!" Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

****************************

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

**********************

Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St.
Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still a virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl...the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

**************************

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?

You know what...we DO taste like chicken!

************************

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people".

"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response.

The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one".

The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!"

No response.

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree.

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T FUCK WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

********************

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer?

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

*****************

A young man, shipwrecked on a small, deserted island, found an old oil lamp sticking out of the sand. He picked it up, and looked at it, thinking, "Wouldn't it be cool if there were a Genie in here?" He knew that Genies did not exist, but figured he had nothing to lose, so he dutifully polished the lamp.

To his amazement, an enormous Genie emerged from the lamp in a cloud of smoke. The Genie announced, "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. In accord with the customs and principles of my profession, you are entitled to precisely three wishes. Wishes will be granted in accord with the laws of the State of California, and any claims, disputes, or disagreements relating to the wishes shall be resolved by binding arbitration applying California laws."

"That's weird," said the man, "I never thought a Genie would sound so much like a lawyer."
"But I am a lawyer," replied the Genie, "I am both a lawyer and a Genie. You should be aware that, for every wish you make, I will not only grant your wish but will grant every attorney in the world double what you wish for."

The man didn't care much for attorneys, and he wasn't sure what to make of the Genie, but what was the worst that could happen? He decided to take the Genie's offer, and make his wishes.

"I wish for fifty million dollars," he said. As money poured down around him, the Genie reminded him that every attorney in the world had just received one hundred million dollars.

"My second wish is for a luxurious mansion, more stunning than Versailles, fully staffed and furnished with fine antiques." The ground rumbled, and a mansion slowly rose from the earth. It was astonishingly beautiful. A butler approached him with a tray of fine food. He ate hungrily, thinking, "It really can't get any better than this."

But then the Genie reminded him, "Every attorney in the world just received a mansion twice as nice as this one."

The man thought carefully about his last wish. He appreciated what the Genie had done for him, but it burned him to think that the attorney who had botched his divorce case had fared even better. And there was the attorney who had stolen from his mother's estate. And wasn't the President an attorney? The man shuddered, realizing what people like that could do with this kind of wealth and the power it could bring. And it was then that he made his final wish.

"I really want to give something back to society," the man said. "I wish to donate one of my kidneys for transplant."

****************************

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.

"Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

**********************

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

************************


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

****************************


A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

***************************

A man was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken.

Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

**********************


Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.



Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.



Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.



Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.



Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.



Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:



1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.



2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Middle Eastern countries.



3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.



4. If you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.



5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.



6. If you purchase worthless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.



7. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses, and they will hide it offshore.



Instead, keep the money in America by doing the following:



1. Spending it at yard sales

2. Going to ball games.

3. Spending it on prostitutes, beer, or tattoos.

These are the only businesses still operating in the U.S.

(I'm going to a ball game with a tattooed hooker that I met at a yard sale , and drink beer.)

***********************

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?

***********************


A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

**************************

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

***************
Dog Property Laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.

**********************

How To Photograph A Puppy:

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

17. Clean up mess.

18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Bumper Stickers

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little better
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek counseling !
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen upside down on a Jeep)
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
the Hut?
Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit . Got It!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious .
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

i just have to do this .....



111111111111111111111111

2

3456

7

little voice saying press them all....

96969696969696

# # ## # # ### ## ### ## ###### #### # # # # # ####....

8 "billybob joe jenkins, t2000 apt1 ,kentworth, usa , 08.31.69, 555-55-5555 , horsey, pony...
9........1...........1........

beep.... im bi-polar Beep... im bi-polar.. beep.....

i keep calling but getting the same message ....

i keep calling back but the representatives are always busy.

i think that answers all of the questions


Unic0rn69

sung to the tune of the Beverly hillbillies...

Come and listen to my story of a man named john,
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after getting with his wife,
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife.
(penis, that is)
(clean cut, missed his nuts)

Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.
(curve that is)
(pecker shrubs, wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To john wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
(found, that is)
(by a fence, evidence)

Now peter and john couldn't stay apart to long,
So a dick doc said "Hey I can fix your dong"
"A needle and thread is all you're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that johnny peed.
(whizzed, that is)
(Even seam, straight stream)

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a cockeyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault, and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker is the only one they didn't show on tape.
(video, that is)
(unexposed, case closed)

************************

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

******************************


A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

*****************************

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million pounds to you?"
And God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked: "God.....can I have a penny?"
And God said: "Sure.....in a minute."

*****************************

Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Paul says to the the first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Paul says, "Dip your finger in the holy water before you enter."

The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in.

The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"

*********************************

How to Give a Cat A Pill‏

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left

arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger

and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently

apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right

hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.




2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.



3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,

holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws

open and push pill to back of mouth with right

forefinger.


Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of

wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between

knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls

emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with

one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop

pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill

from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and

repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered

figurines and vases from hearth and set to one

side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie

on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open

with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to

humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply

Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood

from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another

pill. Open another beer Place cat in cupboard,

and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.

Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill

down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard

door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of

scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to

cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.


Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss

back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch

new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from

across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed

into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill

from foil wrap.


13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with

garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,

find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill

into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be

rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints

of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to

drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while

doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill

remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way

home to order new table.


15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell

and call local pet shop to see if they have any

hamsters.




How To Give A Dog A Pill




1. Wrap it in bacon.




2. Toss it in the air.



You get a 10 from me
after posting so many funny jokes i thought that i would give one back :)
just to say Thank You


Unic0rn69

This post has been edited by unic0rn69 on Oct 27 2009, 03:59 AM

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us
in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

*****************

Tell-tale Signs As to Where That Driver is From:

One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: New York City.
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston.

One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on
accelerator: California.

Same as above, but with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake,
throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: male from urban Texas.

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed
steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless
coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left
side of the road: male from rural Texas.

One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse,
brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on
the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver
with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
female from Texas.

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible
emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West
Virginia male.

Junked, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who
is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window
level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the
left blinker on: Florida.

**********************

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

:lol: :rock: 10/10

GARLIC WARNING !!!

DON'T EAT GARLIC !!!

Eating too much garlic is bad for you.
It can cause very serious damage
and make your butt look funny ...
here's proof ...
It has been verified and is a true fact
This is no joke ...
There has already been one documented case
so far this year to one unfortunate woman.


:thinking:




:thinking:





:thinking:

Attached Image ( Click on thumbnail to view full size image )

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

10 on its way :wub:

hahahahaha thanks ak ....huggles

needed a laugh .....


wow uni had me in stitches that "how to " amasing (harry who)


good work guys


10s and stuff