thankies MHG

looks like my sorta day out :lol: :lol: B) :lol: :lol:

lol you kinda dont want to laugh but do any way :P

Thank you my dear for these great jokes.

I can't believe that I've missed your thread for so long.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender...

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"


************************

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

****************



Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

*********************

It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said, "Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Earp said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Wyatt said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"

Before Earp could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked.

Wyatt smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."

"What's that?" the boy asked.

"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep into the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that.

Earp put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Doc Holiday gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "

The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer.

******************

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

This post has been edited by akbabe on Sep 9 2009, 04:12 PM

Attached Image ( Click on thumbnail to view full size image )

:rolleyes:

Attached Image ( Click on thumbnail to view full size image )

New findings in the chemical world. Here are 2 New Elements for the periodic chart of elements:

Element: WOMEN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less, usually more)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: 180+/-100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

WARNING: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

:o :lol:

Attached Image ( Click on thumbnail to view full size image )

:rolleyes: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Attached Image ( Click on thumbnail to view full size image )

:w00t: :lol:

Attached Image ( Click on thumbnail to view full size image )

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Dont know any1 who aint been screwed by a lawyer :o :lol:

10 as always :wub:

Redneck Sex Test

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False

:thinking: :thinking:

can I phone a friend for sum help wae the answers :lol: :lol:

lol ak huggs hun