Same old same old here, not much new.

At my second job we celebrated a huge sale day today. 3.6 million in one day. lol Thats a lot...too bad they wont share the wealth. <_<

I got a bottle of wine and a bottle of tequila from a transporter today, that was way cool and unexpected. lol They know me too well, the best way to bribe me is through food or alcohol. :P I actually let my pride go and asked for some financial help today. I got $40 dolors from a transporter for gas and food. Talk about a good hearted and kind deed. :lol:

For the first time in almost weeks I had a decent meal, I got a FAT subway sandie, the feast with all the fixings, cookies, chips, and a drink. Man I was literally in heaven after eating all that real food, I actually got a food buz and passed out in my office. :lol: :lol: :P

I guess it was an awesome day. I'm currently drinking the bottle of wine given to me today. But whats really strange is I just can't get someone off my mind. I don't know how to explain it, infatuation? Maybe, but I've never had thoughts like this before, especially about a person. Well all I know is if it feels right , do it; and if everything doesn't work out then at least I made a life long friend and I helped a kind soul through it's time of need.

Well for now I'll see how things go I don't wanna press things too fast and scare them(or myself) off. :lol: ^_^ I'm gonna get me alcohol and nicotine fix and sleep, only two more day till I get one day off. :rolleyes: It's honestly all I need, I get bored with out work, all my friends are into drugs, heavy drugs or moved away so I don't have a whole lot of options.

Life can be very lonely, but after writing this exact sentience drunkly I realized that its MY life and MY choice on how I live it. I've made my choice to start anew and that I will surely do. I just hope I still have the positive motivation when the alcohol wears off. :wacko: :P B)

Peace to all my beast buddies and thank you for your support and motivation, I couldn't of made it this long with out all of oyu. :mellow: ^_^ ^_^ :beer:

Woot I got a good meal today. Subway. ^_^ I also got some money from my sister so I'll be good for wile. I can't wait till my pay check so I can get me bike tunned up to save on gass, and for fun. :P

Same old shit at work nothing new. Actually one thing, a close call. We got a new suburu wrx delivered to the FRC and me and so gear head Officer friends of mine took it out for a test drive. We went driving around in it, but typical crazy friend of mine came up with the brilliant idea of jumping it off a loading ramp. lol :lol: We hit it at 40mph and got some air, it actually kind of scared, I though the landing was gonna finish off my back, but it was built for rally crossing so everything way good. We almost hit a pylon on the way down which would of been very hard to explain to the boss how the hell that happened. lol :lol:

Well good night for now. ^_^

Well it finally happened. I have been hit by a crippling wave of depression. I just can't take living like this. Working 18 hours a day and being soooooo alone. Sometimes I hate myself for how I am. I've been drinking tonight so thats not helping any, but still; I just want all the suffering to end.

I went to 7/11 to get a pack of smokes, and I saw someone who walked in and bought a pack of condoms, it almost see me off so I walked out to my car before I plowed my fist into his bitch ass face. I was lightning up my sig looking at the girl he was riding in the car with he was going to fuck later and I actually felt my face get warmer from the rage I felt, I was pissed off to the max. I had some very bitter thoughts run through my head, "Why can't I just be normal, Why do I have to suffer so much, Why does I have to hide who I am, Why do I have to be so fucking lonely." -_-

After the guy buying the condoms the guy walked out, I gave him the meanest and rageful look.
He walked up to me acting all confident like he even had a chance against me. He said, "Whats up fool, you got a problem with me?" I said "Yeah I do, now walk away wile you still have the chance". After that he open his mouth to talk some shit. I was more than done talking by then, I gave him his fucking chance. When he open his mouth I put all of my force into a right hook right into his jaw, aiming for the artery under the wisdom molar part of the jaw. I hit to so hard I heard a crack, and I got two more shots into his face before he hit the ground. I know I KO'ed him on the first hit but I was in a rage so I made all the shots I could. :angry: After that I walked away to my house. I don't beat people after there on the ground, its not my style.

I just feel so angry and depressed. I don't know how much longer I can live like this, I don't even know if I'll make it through the night. I've lived tooo long with this depression, I tried to hold it in and ignore it but it has consumed me. I just want to be happy and free. My only thoughts right now are of ending it all and finally getting some peace at last. :( I don't know what to do anymore, I can't live like this any more, I'm a very good and honorable person you might meet and yet I surfer everyday. I never have been loved by another living soul my whole life, even my parents, my self love has run out. I have a great feeling of hate twords both my parents abusing me for so long, WHY DID THEY HAVE TO FUCK ME UP SO BAD!!! :evil: If I had one wish it would be to die in my sleep tonight. <_< -_-

Don't give up, seeing how strong and hopeful you are has been giving me so much hope for myself. I'm sure things will work out okay in the end. Just take it one day at a time, and before you know it you'll be in your car driving up to Oregon. In the meantime, you probably shouldn't beat up anymore people, it could get you into a lot of trouble. Listen to some Modest Mouse, lol, they always make me smile, even when I'm in a bad mood. And I'm always here if you need someone to talk to ^_^

Well I'm back...need I say more. :P :lol:

Anyways Sunday was an ok day. I kicked back and got $100 from my tribal brother. Woot :w00t: Talk about being awesome.

But the thing about today that I didn't like was the fact that there was fighting and drama between some of my other friends. As usual I end up being the moderator and counseling both sides and helping them see from each other perspectives. But this time it was hard considering that this was building up d=for a year. To make a long and very irritating story short, I don't think they will be friends anymore, my other friend tried to make me pick and chose sides. lol He's a fool for thinking that, I'm the neutral player, I'm on my own side, I just chose to help. There was almost a fight twice and I'm glad that never happened because it would of blown-up to the point of someone getting killed. P.S> Don't fuck with an Indian, we'll get the whole tribe on ya. lol :lol:

Anyways I have a long day of work ahead and I better get some sleep its already late.