Woe Is Me, Shane invites you to sing the blues

Before I start yabbering about why I think this would be a fun topic, let me just tell you what it is all about. Here, for the side of you that holds a bit of self pity, you can lay all your cards on the table. You can let out all the tales of misery that plauge your past and present. Feel free to share without worry of judgement or critcism.

Now, most of you guys (and gals :D ) are 'zoophiles' are are no strangers to the trials and tribulations that come from leading this lifestyle. Maybe there is that bad relationship that is now dissolved but still feels like a thorn in your side. A fight with a family member, troubles at work, a lost lover or friend, all of these are examples of things that could be causing that sinking feeling when you wake up everyday and leer over your head day and night. I invite you to get it off your chest and possibly feel better about it just through putting it in text. Often I find it helps best in sorting out details. When that is accomplished it can lead to a solution or simply ease of mind.

I know that privacy is a major factor here and some of you don't care to compromise your anonymity. That's ok, just tell me if I've over stepped my boundries, last thing I want here is to be the sore thumb. :blink:

Shane :)

:lol: Heyyyyy That's my job here! :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :blink:

*cracks his knuckles and comes in, dragging his bloodied sword and jams it in the ground, before seating himself and resting his weary hands and chin upon the hilt*

Ah.... to tell a tale, a tale of woe and misbegotten rage. If you wish to listen to this tale, then by all means, gather around and listen. For this, ah, this.. is a story of broken hearts, dreams, and the strange intricacies that weave our lives in this tangled web that is called society.

I guess... it all began with a girl, as it is always the case. A girl whom, though far away, I thought I knew her. I, like the young, naive fool I was, fell immediately in love with her. The spunkiness, the charm, that, coyness that she carried when she talked with me. She seemed... perfect, or at least, that is what my heart told me. I believed her when she said that she would not leave me, I believe her when she told me this... fellow, that was corresponding to her via e-mail wasn't attractive to her at all, and looked really ugly. I believed her, and thus was my demise.

Like all dreams that are too good to be true, this one sadly, was. For what reason, I still do not yet know, she left me, and soon after that, she was dating her ex, in which she promised she'd never go back to. Like a fool, I tried my best to remain friends with her, I tried to forget that we were ever together, to just... be friends and not have to worry about the awkwardness. All seemed well, until that one fateful Christmas, when I found out that she was dating a NEW person. This new person, wasn't even 'new' at all. In fact, he was the very person that was flirting with her via e-mail, another one of her broken promises and lies. Suffice it to say, I did not take it well... thoughts of suicide and the angry voice of my self-flagellation of my ego began. The kitchen was both a haven and a becking of death's call.

Knives, glittering knives, so shiny.. so sharp, and so crisp a cut to the flesh, the cloudy splatter of blood mingling with the shallow water in the kitchen sink, somehow masking the physical pain. It was.... a release, a sweet, beautiful release from the pain in my heart, a distraction away from my raging emotions, the hurt, the suffering... In that twinkling moment, this was both my heaven, and hell. no sooner had I found out that my ex had moved in with this... e-mail correspondant, that they were soon getting married. Having only been together for weeks, all I felt throughout those long, dreary months was that cold slap of loneliness. My pets were my only source of comfort, for it seemed that this... malicious species known as homo sapiens, couldn't be trusted to wipe my ass.

And yet, through it all, I struggled, trying to find the light as time plodded on, dragging me kicking and screaming through the passages of the space-time continuum, and slowly, the wounds began to heal. That scorned heart began to open up a little more, and my heart, slowly, but surely mending.

But it wasn't long before a new foe came to pass, and this foe would come like a thief in the night, and I saw her. My body was thrown into chaos, and battles ensued. My brain fought desperately against my heart, and my eyes, it's weapons of logic and sense striking blankly as the other organs rebelled. This girl, such a crush I had on her, magnificent hair, personality, and talent. In that moment I became a hunter, stalking my prey, watching her, gauging her every movement, waiting for my opportunity to court her, to dazzle her, and perhaps, get her to notice this tattered heart, and mend it.

*sighs as he brushes the dust off from his gauntlets* Alas, all warriors succomb to the wiles of woman. But now.. that crush is all but gone, the battlefield within me is now a desolate wasteland. Like the shores of Juno, and Omaha Beach, bodies, bullets, and blood scattered the battlefield. My brain, waving a tattered flag, victorious in it's anticlimactic triumph over my heart. The last vestiges of my heart still remain hidden deep within me, hoping to find one to make me whole. But logic prevails all, and I will find the last vestiges of hope within me, and crush it once and for all. For love can never come from the treachery of man.

Yeah... sorry it's long.. poeticness kinda came out of me.

ShirKhan even tho it was very sad and only half the tale told, you told it beautifully!! .... Dont give up your dreams.... dont give up on life and people... we are not all bad my friend....

Wraps arms around you and holds you.....wanting to make all the hurt go away....

Wendy

This post has been edited by WendyWinks2 on Jun 1 2004, 07:54 AM

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I too have been to the brink of suicide Shirekhan. Your description of the feeling was nothing short of beautiful in a tragic sense of the word. I hope you are able to overcome the hurt in time. You'd be a loss to humanity had the attempt been succesful. :(

WOW!!

ShireKhan....I am so sorry for your loss.
I understand the emotion and I must say you write beautifully!!
Would love to hear more words from you!! (Happier of course)
She obviously didn't know what she had!!

Much Love!!

~BadBabe~
:wub:

I too have put my heart in another's hands..and sadly it turned out the very same way. I learned to Hate, from the one I learned to love from.

But..its not all bad, i also learned how to forgive, and how to move on..i don't hate the person at all, one who opened my eyes to all the things i'd be missing, if i really did cut myself that day, silly me..Im happy to be alive, to be able to love again, no i cant forget my first love, i never will, but i can make those feelings happen again with the right person..and i know theyre out there somewhere :) :) :) :)

ILPK

WIth time the wounds will heal.. maybe... maybe I'll learn to be able to trust people fully again. In the meantime, my heart and my raging emotions have been tossed into a dank dungeon and placed under lockdown. If it escapes, I shoot it, so it at least shields me from some of the pain while I heal.

Sorry about ur loss!

That is very, very true. The guy that this girl ended up marrying, is a man I dated for awhile. In fact, those two getting together is how ShireKhan and I became friends in the first place. And you're very right. She had no idea what she had. If I could find someone half as sweet as Shire is, I would be a very lucky girl, and yet this girl was too blind, and let him slip away. I only hope Shire can find someone, some day.

ShireKhan: I feel very sorry that you had to expiereance something like that... I cant imagine the pain you must have went through! :(
But like i expiereanced it myself love will find you one day, maybe not in the way you expect it to happen but it will find you!
Dont give up, there is allways a light ahead - and this comes from one of the biggest pessemists on this world! ;)

And Shane is right, if you would have been succesfull with your suicide it would have been a los for us all!


As for my self, some allready know a bit of my story but i repeat it again so others might understand some of my intentions and actions around here...


When i was younger i was allways the one to pick on, because i wear glasses, cause i weight to much and cause i was allways more a thinker then anything else. Since Kindergarten this hasnt changed over the years, so i startet to prefer to be around dogs. They never judged me because of my appeareance or because i didnt liked to play soccer all the time, they were my friends because of the way i treated them. I felt save and loved around them...

Some day i watched a TV Show about Perverted Sexuality, they showed some ver short and censored slips of men and women with animals. Ans somehow this show gave me a complete new view upon myself, it changed what i was to that moment. I started to look at the dogs around me in a different way...

Then some time later, a old schoolfriend of my father moved into our neighbourhood. I didnt knew him but my parents did and after some time they invited him to come over for a BBQ. Being me i was afraid of the guy atfirst but then he came over and brought his dog with him - a female longcoated German Shephard. Her name was Shina.
From the first moment on i saw her i was in love. The doorbell rang and i went to open the door, as soon as i opend the door she pushed her head in and looked at me. I can still remember the moment when our eyes met. Im still not able to put it in the right words - even after 9 years...
At first i was affraid of her, i didnt knew her and she was rather big compared to me but i just couldnt stop thinking about her.
Everytime we visited her owner or he visited us i spend most of the time only with her, playing, caressing, cuddling and doing all to getting to know her. And after some time i was alowed to take her for her walks.
From that day on i spend almost every single free moment only with her. My mother even asked me if i want to move to the house of her owner :rolleyes:
And finaly one day Shinas owner had to leave for three weeks because of his job and as noone else could watch Shina during this time i got asked to give her food and water and to take her for her walks.
Well in these three weeks i only went home to sleep and i only left Shina to go to school. The days were wonderfull and it is a time i still remember about as some of the finest days i have ever expiereanced!
In those three weeks also my first sexual contact with Shina happend and after that one many more. But it was allways more then sex with her - i never took the final step with her. Out of respect, love and because i dont wated to hurt her. She ment the world to me and i could have never hurt her. I would have rather k!lled myself!

Time went by and the three weeks passed by but nothing kept us from spending time together or having our "special moments". I visited her every day, after school, before school and sometimes even during school(which got me into trouble a couple of times but i didnt cared much about it)
Then one day in January, it was cold and the streets were still coverd with ice, i went over to her to bring her some cookies - leftovers from my Birthday - but i was in a hurry and couldnt give her more then a short hug and a quick kiss. I had to hurry not to be late to school, i still wish i would have been.
But while i was in school i started to feel realy bad, i knew something bad would happen. So i left and headed home, but when i reached Shinas home noone was there. So i waited.
And after some time the car of her owner came down the street, he left it and came over. Shina wasnt with him and she wasnt in the house - that was the moment when i knew something was wrong!
We sat down in his livingroom and he told me what had happend. He had a day of from work and took Shina for a long walk out into the fields and through the woods. When they returnd Shina ran ahead of him, a car came down the road, it left the road and hit her ond the sidewalk.
The driver wanted to stop and lost control over his car, he was drunk and was driving way to fast. He had hit her almost at full speed.
Her owner picked her up and brought her to the vet imediantly cause like a bad joke she was still alive. But the vet couldnd do anything anymore. Almost every bone on her right side was broken or smashed fromt he impact. Her shoulder was broken, her front and hindleg, her hip and almost all of her rips, even her skull was shatterd. It was a mirrical that she was still alive but the vet was helpless and could only ease her pain and put her down.

When Shinas owner told me this i only wanted to die. I was crying like had never done before in my whole life!!
Somehow he had managed to get the permission to take her back home to bury her in his garden. And so we burried her at her favorite spot in the garden.

At that day something inside of me died, my heart was broken and for the rest of the year i felt down. There was no way to ease the pain inside of me and more then once i wanted to [CENSOR] me. I wanted to end all the pain inside of me, just to silence all the feelings. I still dont know what kept me from jumping out of the window!

For more then eight years i could never speak about it, i had to hide it all those years cause i knew noone could ever understand me! Even toady her loss still hurts me and everytime i see a longcoated gsd i have to think about her. Im still not over it cause i allways have to think about what i have lost, what could have been, where we could be today.... :unsure:

I thought i could never ever love like that again, but then a couple of months ago i lost my heart again. This time to a male dog, to my brothers dog. I love him like i loved Shina! The love is not the same, its different but it is as strong as the love i felt and still feel for Shina! Hes my little Star, my light in the darkness! Nothing scares me anymore as long as i have him!
He thought me that love finds a ways, it allways does!

What a heartbreaker HR :( :( :(
It's those last little moments we remember best. The last scratch behind the ear, the last time glancing at her, even the last little morsel she gobbled from your hand all are haunting images. They plauge our minds with guilt. What could you COULD have done is juxtaposed to what actually occured. The unpredictable twists life throws at us hurt long after the fact.

I, for one, am glad you've found peace (or so it seems). If you don't mind me asking HR, what is your first language?

Shane

Some of you may have heard bits and pieces of this but I'll give it a go anyway.

My story starts when I was still living in New Orleans with my mother. Our relationship was filled with distrust and we constantly questioned eachother and our intentions. We were living in the same house but stayed distanced for the odd moments we were in the same room. It would be helpful to add now that 7 years earlier my mother and father got a divorce. My father lived in Belgium with my stepmother, living rather lavishly while we were not that well off. My relationship with my father was something of a mystery to everyone around me. He called me maybe once a month on average but I still worshiped the ground he walked on and took his word as if it came from the mouth of god.

About a year ago, I was in my bedroom, lying next to Dana (My GSD) and things started to get sexual. As things progressed I became less aware of my surroundings and in turn wasn't able to cover up before my door was open. There I stood before my shocked mother, naked, erect and Dana on her back. Even though I had not actually penetrated her (she was a bit to small) the scene was set for it.

We fought over it for about a week where every kind of hateful remark was exchanged. We both came to the conclusion that I cannot live with her, under her roof anymore. I was told to go and live with my father. This was no loss for me besides the fact that I would most likely never see Dana again. Before I left I gave her a bath and groomed her. I took one nail clipping as a reminder and kissed her goodbye.

My father had arranged tickets for me and had also furnished a room in their house for me. Obviously he had not been told the terms on which I was told to leave. Upon arriving I seemed to slip right in with the culture. I found flemmish to be a easy language to learn and quickly made friends who loved me for the novelty of being an American. Life was dandy.

One night (my birthday actually) I came home late, I had been partying at a local dance thing and was pretty wasted. My father came to me and told me that we had something that we needed to discuss in the morning. My heart fell into my stomach and consequently the two seemed to dissolve at the thought of having to start life all over again.

He did not bring it up over breakfast, in fact he didn't even talk to me. I wasn't really that hungry since I no longer had a stomach to speak of. When he had finished we got into the car and drove in silence to the next village over to continue working on their new house. Nothing was said until noon that day. The first words out of his mouth were "what the f*ck are you?". I was ambiguous in a description. He told me not to BS him because he had found a story I had written which was in effect a zoo story. I told him what he wanted to hear and let him know a little about me. He was disgusted, you could see it in his eyes. I had let him down, I was a failure as a son and a human being.

His next move truly shocked me and to this day haunts me. He charged at me from across the room. That day were were installing insulation and I had a pneumatic staple gun in my hands. He tried to grab for my neck but missed because I had started to make an attempt to get out of there. He caught me before I was almost to the door. I whipped around and stuck 3 staples in his forearm. I think that calmed him down a little. He went outside to cool down and he called my stepmother (a vindictive bitch who never liked me). She came over and started in on me in her limited english. I recorded all that was said in a journal that night while it was fresh in my mind. It was something along the lines of "you disgusting pervert!", "you don't deserve to live", "you lick a dogs ass, you know how disgusting you are?", "I cant belive I let you around my children" "I wish your father would have never had you" ect ect...This went on for over an hour, easily. I walked home after that, I needed time to think and to cry.

The next few months were a daze. I dropped out of school and started working in a bike shop. All the money I got from that went to pay for a health club membership. At the time I was 6'2 and weighed 250lbs. That just added to my depression. I became obsessed with my weight and my body. I would eat an apple and a pear everyday. I would spend hours on the stationary bicycle and rowing machines. I did hundreds of crunches a day and probly did more harm than good with prolonged use of freeweights. During this time I was losing 7-8 lbs a week and my self image was still diminished. I passed out about once a week from low blood shugar and low blood pressure. I didn't care about anything, nothing. I didn't want death but it wouldn't bother me had it come.

I blocked everyone out. I lived on a little island in my mind and the only time I would interact with anyone is when I said hello or goodbye. Then one day I was in the city of Leuven just to walk around and I went into a magazine shop. I was looking at the fitness and gay magazines. The guy next to me started asking questions wanting to know if there were any clubs in Leuven. I didn't know but quickly started talking about other things. He told me that he had seen me walking around before (I dressed distinctly skinheadish at the time) and he thought I was cute. We spent the day togeather and it seemed we were hitting it off.

That evening we went to a club and got some drinks, danced and had a good time. We were out on the dance floor when he wispered in my ear, "Can I kiss you". I was totally taken back. I never thought I was kiss worthy up until this point. I asked him why and he said it was because he thought I was wonderful and special. I, in a state of bliss..the first in a long time, agreed and we kissed until I thought his facial hair would scrape the skin off my face one thing led to another (mostly because I was drunk) and before I knew it I was in his hotel room giving him a BJ. Nothing more than that happend but we did cuddle and caress eachother long into the morning. I got up at 8am that morning and he told me I had to leave. I asked why and he started laughing. I was completely confused. He told me that it's over and he got what he wanted. He was through with me. I left in tears. How cruel....

My father got sick of me after seeing that I was only creating a dent in his pocketbook. He took some of his frequent flyer miles and sent me home sometime in February. I got a room with a old friend and have been here ever since. My mother has tried to get me admited to a hospital and my puppy taken away from me. She is obsessed with my "inability to love" and my "sickness". As soon as possible I am going to try to move up north or something of the like. I think it would really be in my best intrests to cut all ties with family....they are crazy.

I've since e-mailed my father asking him to come and settle our differences over a fistfight. He agreed but hasn't given me a date yet.

Whew, that was a lot of typing! :P

hmmm ironic it is that my relation ship with my natural parrents was perfect but theyr ex's I have lived one the razers edge ready to kil-l to survive as all them to varrying degrees have been abusive at five I knew how to operate a 303 rifle and even had it loaded when my mother left the adusive A-hole, Then my wounderful soulmate Neju was Murderd when I was away. That is the only thing that can still hurt, physicle pain rarly exists any more nor does emotion. Only cold alogramithic Logic is used with fellow humans and heart and soul is resrved for Equins.

All the bullies steered clear of me even though I was a perfect canadate for theyr bs, I was known as some one not to fight with, I only know one way and that is with leathal force. (I was taught well by all my mothers past ex's, )

yet I go on with no point in life but to exist, and still after all thees years prepared to do [CENSOR] if some one threatens me, and distrust of the person standing behind me. I can rarly us public washrooms. and thats about it I gues

Yeah... humanity isa lost cause with me. Trust is something I doubt I can ever do with a human, since I have seen their darker nature all too often.